The Illusion of Self
Strong energies continue to affect the planet and all of us clearly calling for a release of old conscious or unconscious patterns from this and previous lives. You probably been having intense and emotional dreams, intense things happening to you, powerful encounters and discussions with friends and acquaintances all leading to review how you have been living so far and that new way that slow starts to emerging.
Today I want to discuss a concept that is key in that process, the concept of self.
I understand that discussing concepts like self and 'I' can provoke various sentiments and thoughts related to its existential nature and my intention is to keep the discussion as simple as possible and with reference to everyday life.
We all keep referring to ourselves as 'I am this and that', ' I dont do this' or 'I would never do that'. In these moments we set boundaries between what we think or feel we are and what we are not., what we like and what we do not, what we do and what we do not do. Hence we end up with a 'costume', a set of ams, dos etc that define and set the limits within which that I exists and simultaneously consists of.
Based on this costume we make decisions for our lives, form relationships, decide on career paths, life friends and partners etc. We can find them then manifesting in almost every area of our lives reflecting how we see, feel, think and behave as ourselves.
This viewpoint reflects the influences from Newton and Descartes that the world is a clockwise system that can be analysed and reproduced and so must be one's body and self.
I am wondering though, have you ever found yourselves doing or saying things that you said or thought in the past that you would never say or do? Was that a pleasant or unpleasant surprise? Did you accept and act on that new impulse or did you suppress it because it did not fit your 'costume'? If you acted on it did you tell anyone or it remained a secret away from the eyes and ears of people that know you as you are? Is all very normal if you have done one or all the above.
I am more and more realising from 'myself' and witnessing others that the costumes that we either inherited from our families, cultures, societies (and believed) or we have created ourselves in response to them, do not quite fit all the possibilities of what it is to be 'oneself.' Given that scientifically proven the human body replaces itself every 7 years (and I suspect it does more often in smaller levels), why not the same principle applies to the notion of 'self'. Why one can not change their minds of who they are, change their hearts of what they love, change their gut of what they eat, change their mouth of what they taste and so on?
Who determined as an ultimate law that we have to like, do and be the same things for the rest of our lives? That we have to follow the same career, be with the same partner, live in the same house, have the same hobbies etc? All these things that we once liked and did, they define us in return, almost throwing us to existential anxiety.. 'Who are you now that you are not doing this?', 'Where did that person go?'.
I understand that there might be some serious implications when you apply this to relationships for example, not exactly knowing who the person that slept next to you in the next morning and yet do you really know? Do we fully know ourselves ? Are we always the same? Can we not change the stories that we once believed in such as 'I am not worthy, I am not lovable because I was not valued and loved as a child?' Do always the same things have to make us happy?
Of course we can..
These days I tend to think and experience myself as a vibratory infinite 'entity' of some sort which constantly interacts with its environment, absorbs impressions and responds to it, constantly being shaped and shape others. In that respect, I do not feel there is an 'I' that I am bound to and need to serve. I do not feel that I am my story anymore (and it took years as of processing to get there, ask my family!)I do not feel I have to be of certain qualities anymore. I am continuously exploring, creating 'my self' though defining and overcoming limits and boundaries.
I definitely still have a costume be that a body, a personality, character, preferences etc who want to have time for himself, prefers this over that and yet it feels that 'I' am choosing more the qualities for example, the peace,quiet and empty space when 'I' am alone rather than to be 'with myself'. 'I' am choosing to follow the flow of energy, where it takes me and my attention, what is of interest and stimulation and what makes 'me' lethargic and s-low.
Having no clear boundary can feel interesting and scary. We do not have to be obsessed with only feeling good things. We can just be open to the voice within, to experiences, interactions, learn from all the feelings and all the states.